Here Sicky Sicky... Weight loss and more...

Sick. Sick. Sick.

Damn. That's what we've been lately! I feel like I had enough time to take a breath and plan a few things I wanted to do and life get's all Emeril on me, "BAM!", "you're sick again!"

2 weeks ago our family had a nasty GI virus & I came down with a wicked breast infection. I finally got caught up on sleep (mostly) and I'm sick again! I am, thankfully, getting better now, but wth?

So I've been doing some thinking. I've noticed the changes in my body that come with being heavier than I've ever been before. I can literally feel that my body around my is heavier than it use to be. This is mostly when I'm laying in bed and I can feel the weight on my organs and my lungs. I've always felt pretty in-tune to my body and I definitely feel this change having a negative impact. I'm very unhappy with the way I feel (moreso than the way I look).

So I've decided that I REALLY need to do something about it. I need to stop normalizing my weight gain & reverse my thinking that it's okay. I grew up with the mindset that it's normal for moms to have babies and eat what they want and gain weight. Skinny moms just weren't the "norm", right? It wasn't until I had my first baby that I realized that was completely incorrect.

So, I will do my best to remember my struggles with my weight amongst a tangled web of crappy memories. In early 2002, I found myself at a Weight Watchers meeting. I was basically "pressured" into going because I was told that I needed to lose weight by a family member who couldn't keep from always telling me what I NEEDED to do, and being a good little girl, I went along with it (this person also needing to lose a lot of weight). It was okay. I wasn't totally motivated and eventually, dropped out. I ended up doing the program at home and lost about 5 lbs and dropped out again.

That's when I took up running. I had also found a really awesome online community called Spark People. It was this rinky dink website that this couple started and it was about fitness and weight loss and healthy living. I was posting on there, making friends with others who understood my challenges and I lost 15 lbs in 2 months and felt so damned good I can't put it into words. I went from 160 lbs to 145 lbs! So I kept it up! I eventually got down to 140 lbs that summer of 2002. That Christmas season, I gained it all back. Bummer.

Fast forward to 2004, I was averaging 145 lbs again and was happy with my appearance. I felt healthy and thought I looked good. James and I decided to try and have another baby! We were pregnant again by September and by the time I had given birth, I was about 160 lbs again.

Again, attempted Weight Watchers, but wasn't dedicated to it enough to be successful. I still haven't totally figured this out, why, that is. Now, I find myself telling you that in the summer of 2007, I had let myself become a whopping 175 lbs. Then, that June, I found myself pregnant. Well, yay for a baby, but SHIT for my weight! During that pregnancy, I hesitate to say how much weight I have gained. After Ethan was born, I was down to 180 and have since put weight BACK ON!

So, I feel "depressed" about my weight. More so about the way it makes me feel than the way I look. Of course I don't like looking this way, but I dislike the way I feel even more. I took a quiz today at jenny craig online and the results brought me to tears. It was dead on, my results.

I tried WW since Ethan was born and just found I can't commit to it. I think a lot has to do with negative memories created in the past. Things I just want to put behind me in a healthy manner and not have to rethink every time I step into a meeting.

I really want to just run again. Since I joined Spark People, it has grown to a HUGE community and has lots of really awesome tools. The sheer size of the site is a little intimidating, but it's geared towards keeping you motivated and I need that. It was free at first, then became a subscription site, and now is free again. Pretty awesome.

I want to feel the freedom I use to feel as a runner! I want to feel the power of my body, moving me along because I am strong and healthy. I want to feel the muscles of my legs carrying me, my heart beating strong in my chest, the sweat leaving me and cooling me as I go. I want to reach the point that I feel the natural high because I am a bad ass! I miss this part of my life. I know I can't return to the past, but I'd like to repaint the future and I know I will have to make changes to reset the course. That part is hard to do, but no excuses, I really need and want to follow this.

A goal without a plan is a dream. -random church sign